The TV Gods Are Mocking Me
by Red Witch
Summary: Cobra Commander looks to television for new ideas on taking over the world. Gee I wonder why that's a bad idea?


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is off watching television again. Just some more madness from my tiny mind. **

**The TV Gods Are Mocking Me**

"NOOOO!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming. "THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! NOOOO!"

"I should just keep walking and ignore it," Destro sighed as he paused outside the recreation room in the secret Cobra Base. "Just walk way. Going in there will cause nothing but pain."

"Don't do it you idiot!" Cobra Commander was shouting again. "This is unbelievable!"

"One of these days I will learn my lesson and just **walk away**…" Destro sighed as he went into the room. "One day…"

He saw Cobra Commander sitting in a chair and the Dreadnoks sitting on some couches watching television. "Big mistake Jeff!" Torch called out.

"Told you he'd give Kathy the rose," Buzzer shrugged.

"Jeff is a **fool!**" Cobra Commander snarled as he threw some popcorn at the television. "Jeff you blind idiot! Can't you see that Kathy is only using you? She's using her feminine wiles to hook you long enough for her to grab her pathetic fifteen minutes of fame and then she's going to dump you like a failed NBC sitcom!"

"Okay…" Destro blinked at the sight before him. "Well to be fair, this isn't exactly the **worst** thing I have caught you doing."

"Jeff you are an idiot! An **idiot!"** Cobra Commander hissed. "I've seen hookers with less ambition for money than Kathy!"

"I **knew** I should have just walked by…" Destro sighed.

"Don't you know that Sara is the one who really loves you?" Cobra Commander yelled at the TV. "Out of all the vapid gold digging bimbos, hers is the only love that is pure and true! If **I** can see that how come you can't?"

"You gotta admit," Buzzer shrugged. "The man has a valid point."

"Get out of that hot tub!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Get away from Kathy! Who knows what kinds of diseases that tramp has picked up?"

"I take it that you have fallen off the reality show television wagon again?" Destro sighed. "You realize you have become the world's first terrorist couch potato?"

"Before you start in on me, this is **nothing **like my brief infatuation years ago with Joe Millionaire," Cobra Commander pointed. "Granted the premise of this show is **similar **but without the fun of the guy lying and deceiving the greedy bimbos."

"Just as long as you don't start mailing live vipers to the show's contestants again…" Destro gave him a look.

"Oh Destro. That was a long time ago," Cobra Commander waved. "I learned my lesson. It doesn't do any good to send poisonous serpents via Cobra Express to the contestants. You send them to the producers! That way **something** gets accomplished!"

"Speaking of getting something accomplished, am I to assume that you haven't done **that **this day?" Destro folded his arms. "Or any other day this past week?"

"Why bother? This is my life now…" Cobra Commander moaned. "Watching substandard television while drinking passable alcohol with the mentally deficient Dreadnoks. Yeah this is what all those years of education and training have led to. My teachers would be so proud."

"In case you haven't figured it out Destro, the Commander is in one of his little moods again," Buzzer remarked.

"Which is why we are all watching **this crap **instead of something with explosions," Monkeywrench moaned.

"Well if you don't like it so much, why are you watching it?" Ripper asked.

"Because the women are in their bikinis half the time and the other half they're barely dressed at all, duh!" Monkeywrench gave him a look.

"And you gotta admit it's not that bad for a reality game show," Buzzer shrugged.

"Wait a minute…" Cobra Commander sat up. "Game show…Game show! What if we captured some Joes and made them play a life or death game show and…"

"We've **done** that!" Buzzer spoke up.

"We have?" Cobra Commander blinked.

"Yeah, even I remember how that plan failed," Torch nodded.

"And he's got the memory of a blinking goldfish," Buzzer added.

"You're right," Cobra Commander sank back into his chair. "Keep changing the channel. Maybe something else will inspire me?"

"Okay," Torch did so. "Oh here's a movie. Attack of the Plastic Clone People."

"Been there. Did that," Cobra Commander groaned. "Try another one."

"Uh Killer Dinosaur Island," Torch changed the channel again.

"Did it," Cobra Commander groaned. "Keep going. There's a lot of movie channels. So maybe something will inspire me!"

"Okay how about The Day The Aliens Stole Alaska?" Monkeywrench read the next title.

"Did that too!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"How about the Day the Aliens Stole California?" Torch asked.

"Are you nuts? No thank you!" Cobra Commander waved. "I'm not touching **that **train wreck! Besides we tried that too."

"If memory serves me correctly Cobra has tried to steal every single state in the United States one way or another," Destro nodded. "Except for New Jersey."

"Actually I tried that too," Cobra Commander sighed. "Well not as much tried to take over the state but tried to win at the casinos at Atlantic City by cheating. Didn't work."

"They caught you huh?" Torch asked.

"No, I couldn't even get out of the parking lot!" Cobra Commander fumed. "In fact I couldn't find a parking space! I was driving around that dump for four hours before I decided to go find a bar in another town. And even then I couldn't find a space!"

"Try another channel," Ripper suggested.

"Oh how about this one? The Fort Knox Train Caper?" Torch asked.

"Did it. Tried it. Failed," Destro groaned.

"The Manchurian Candidate?" Buzzer asked.

"Did that **twice**," Cobra Commander groaned. "Failed twice."

"Not exactly," Destro pointed out.

"Well it was close enough," Cobra Commander shrugged.

"The Mummy Fourteen: Rise of the Snake God," Ripper read the next title.

"We did that **too!** Tried to fool some ancient Egyptian Gods, didn't work!" Cobra Commander hissed. "And we also did the Ancient Greek thing!"

"Well that's lets Clash of the Titans out," Buzzer said. "How about the Big Bang Theory?"

"Again how many times have we tried to **blow something up** only to have it **blow up** in our faces?" Cobra Commander groaned.

"Two and a Half Men! They got a marathon on! I bet that's something we haven't done!" Torch said proudly.

"Have you **forgotten** one of Mindbender's earliest experiments when he first joined this organization and what happened at the New Year's Eve Party of 83?" Cobra Commander hissed.

"Oh right. Larry and Chuck really made a mess didn't they?" Torch winced.

"Larry and Chuck?" Monkeywrench asked.

"Before you joined," Buzzer explained. "Two headed guy made up from the parts of three people."

"Ironically he couldn't hold his liquor even though he had three livers," Torch snorted.

"Oh. Got it. Here's another one! Wall Street," Monkeywrench read the next movie title.

"Tried it and failed," Cobra Commander sighed. "The irony here is that we couldn't take over Wall Street to damage the economy, but Wall Street damaged the economy ten times more effectively than we ever could!"

"Ghost Wars?" Torch asked.

"We did that too! Never again!" Cobra Commander groaned.

"Hackers," Monkeywrench read the next one.

"What's that about?" Ripper asked.

"It's about these computer geniuses that try to hack into the defense system of the Pentagon and trick the US government into giving them cash to do it," Monkeywrench explained.

"I **did** that!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Not only did I do it! I **invented **it! And this was back in the day when computers were the size of a Mack Truck and as mobile as a brick wall!"

"I saw this movie," Buzzer said. "It was pretty good. I especially like the scene where they sneak in this special computer for hacking. It looked like a handheld video game."

"Oh yeah _anybody _can do that **now**!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Sure any Harry Hacker or Ann Nonymous can just slip a secret computer right through the noses of security when it's the size of a grape! Try getting a computer by security while using a forklift! **That** takes **genius!**"

"I remember that. That was rather tricky," Destro nodded.

"How about this one? Attack of the Giant Vegetables?" Torch pointed.

"Okay now the TV Gods are just **mocking** me," Cobra Commander groaned. "Turn it off!"

"Aw come on Commander, this is a good one," Torch protested.

"I SAID TURN IT OFF!" Cobra Commander snapped as he whipped out his laser blaster and blew up the TV.

"Oh great! Nice going Commander!" Buzzer snapped.

"Yeah now we have to go get another one!" Ripper grumbled.

"And our television budget is already overspent," Road Pig grumbled in his Donald voice.

"W-what b-budget?" Road Pig then took over. "D-didn't we j-just steal t-this one?"

"Yeah and we're probably gonna steal the next one," Torch said. "But we gotta fill up the truck with gas and go to another city and that's gonna take all day which is wear and tear on the tires…"

"Oh spare me your incessant whining and go get another one already!" Cobra Commander snapped as he got up and left the room.

"And he thinks **we** have anger management problems," Monkeywrench sniffed as Destro followed Cobra Commander.

"Some people should really cut down on their TV viewing," Torch shrugged.


End file.
